8 Steps To Survive Loud Chewers In Quarantine
My heart goes out to those quarantined with mouth breathers and loud chewers. Maybe you’re in a position where you didn’t realize that they breathed like that before you accepted them as your Craigslist roommate, maybe it once was love but now it’s just a weird quarantine thing, maybe it’s your brother… but in These Times, you’re stuck together.
I can help you survive this. (“this” of course being “other people breathing and chewing”). Just follow these simple steps and trust me.
Phase 1: A Simple Question
Start with a simple observation like, “Hey, I think you’re breathing pretty weird and loud and gross, are you ok?”
And he’ll say “Yeah I’m fine.”
But then I bet he’ll get pretty freaked out by your question, maybe he’ll feel awkward because y0u noticed their breathing, which is pretty personal but since he does it that loud, it’s like he wants you to know. So he’ll feel awkward and clear his throat. It is characteristically gross. It’s never a normal throat clearing but like the sound of rocks and cement plopping into a hole from a cement truck at the same time that the cement truck is crashing into another cement truck.
Phase 2: Ahem/A Phlegm
That’s when you move into phase two and say a little something like, “Oh yikes is that a cough you have going on? A little cough? I hope it’s not too bad.”
And he’ll be like “No no I was just clearing my throat I guess.” And you can say, “Hmm I don’t do that because my throat feels fine and not sick and I also feel fine as a person and not sick, comfortable enough with myself to not have to clear my throat when it’s just the two of here…”
“Weird” you’ll both say.
Phase 3: Remember How Annoying He Was This Morning
Now his wheels are turning like a banana in his mouth this morning. Am I breathing weird? Do I have a cough? Is my roommate more mentally sound than I am?
Phase 4: Slurp’s Up
Now, this is going to be a hard part for you, the person of normal chewing and sound mind but bare with the process. Since you’ve manipulated him into believing he’s sick (because he is SICK), he’s going to want soup. And if regresses into expressing doubts of sickness or wanting soup , you can just make soup for him. How generous you always are! Warning: he’s going slurp. Take a deep and naturally silent and undetectable breath; you can get through Phase 4.
“Soup, huh?” You’ll say casually as he slurps like if anteaters ate pudding.
“Mhmm” he’ll mutter between slurps with oyster crackers alternately crunching and lumping in his mouth.
“For your sore throat, huh?” You’ll ask with roommately compassion, nodding.
“What? My throat is fine.” He might say, beginning to wonder if he’s lying to himself and to you.
“Oh you were just in a soup mood?” Try to avoid an accusatory tone! Stay curious!
“What? You made soup for me. For us.”
“Yes,” you’ll remember, “because you wanted soup.”
“I wanted left over pizza.”
“Uh-oh are you experiencing confusion?”
“No.” He’ll say defensively and his eyes will dart around the room with a desperate aimlessness like chicken noodles in his mouth, seeking escape.
Phase 5: Dinner is Over Thank God
To be honest Phase Five started when you insinuated that he was experiencing confusion — nice job. Now that he’s unable to deny that he is nursing a sore throat, bad breathing, a gross old man cough, and confusion, you can move on to more factual indicators of illness. This will require psychopathology from you, but remember he drives you crazy so you are capable. You are there.
Phase 6: Heat of the Moment
Warm up a thermometer. How? Maybe when you make the soup you can put it near the stove. I should have told you this before but you probably already thought of it because you’re such a smarty pants.
He’s finished slurping and making cow-cud prairie sounds. You can relax and ask one last time in a loving, maybe even paternal tone (if you had a good relationship with your dad, try it, if you did not, try maternal, if you have an emotionally orphaned situation, try what you imagine Betty Crocker sounds like) — “You sure don’t feel sick? Heck maybe it was just in my head with your slurping and throat gunk and heavy breathing and confusion and all.”
“I’m not sick.” He sounds irritated. Because he is sick — of you! And you’re about to prove it.
“Let’s take your temperature to be sure, once and for all!”
“Let’s.”
“Wanna make a bet?” (Never miss an opportunity to bet money on a game that you made up and that you are rigging).
He’ll agree to a bet, and you can grab the thermometer from the oven or microwave or toaster (just some warm ideas!) and present it too him — try not to look to sly!
“150 degrees?” He’ll say with a puzzled glance at the thermometer. There’s that famous confusion again.
“You need to go to a hospital.” You’ll state with firm with concern. Yeah a mental hospital for mouth breathers! You’ll say in your head.
“No, the thermometers broken. No human body is that warm.” He is attempting reason but don’t back down! Remember: the the way he chews Doritos could wake China and they’re trying to sleep right now. That’s messed up of him. He is bad and you are good!
Argue for a little bit — while you heat up, the thermometer will have time to cool down.
Phase 7: Proof
Prove the thermometer works perfectly fine by taking your own temperature, which should come out normal. Then maybe throw the thermometer away or break it over your knee to prove that you are still strong and not sick. Point out that he couldn’t break it over his knee because he is weak, and sick, and withering away. Send him to bed, Betty Crocker!
Continue this behavior as surely as he continues breathing his opera-dramatic breathing.
You will notice that he is slowing becoming ill, as ill as you knew he was in-his-head in your head.
Phase 8: His Retreat
He will start taking meals in his bedroom. He will be in his room most of the time. Resting. When he sees you on his way to the bathroom, he will give you the nod, hey. Not even a nod hello, a nod-hey. You, the normal chewer, are the dominant roommate. You will see him less and less as he stays the hell away from you, afraid he’ll get you sick. You have won. You rarely see him because he is so freaked out by the sickness. More importantly, you don’t hear him.
The end.
