Dear Presidents: I’m Sorry I Haven’t Died in a Mass Shooting

Even Though That’s Clearly What You Want From Me

I have never once died in a mass shooting and it has taken me too long to realize this is what my government wants! I owe an apology to the presidents of my lifetime. Being killed in a mass shooting is about as American as eating a hotdog, and so far I have only done one of those things.

My first apology is to Mr. Bill Clinton. I should have known in the sunny and warm days following Columbine that you were exhilarated by the direction this country’s guns were pointing. But I was in fourth grade and I was still kinda stupid. Even as I watched you take the cool guy apathetic approach to prevent the next mass shooting, I still went to school with the nerve to not die in my classroom before I got to middle school. Mr. Clinton, I am sorry. I know now that children are supposed to be massacred in school.

I’m sorry, George W. Bush thatI didn’t die in a mass shooting in high school either — even though there were plenty of opportunities! If not school, I could have gone to the mall more, a common place to be murdered en masse! I see now that I missed countless opportunities to participate in the traditions of my country by bleeding to death outside a Hot Topic — which would have been so goth!

Mr. Obama, I am sorry that I did not die in a mass shooting on my college campus or admittedly, at any point in my 20s. You were the first president I ever voted for, and I guess we both let each other down. I only went to straight nightclubs and white churches — a huge lack of effort on my part. So don’t cancel student debt, cancel ME!

To Mr. Trump. I can’t believe that I, a decent hard-working American (and a solid 10/10 when I’m blonde!) let you down by avoiding my non-loser duty of dying in a mass shooting. I tried my hardest under your administration — I was a teacher! Although, I have to admit: I taught children how to hide in the closet from gunmen, and how to barricade. I’m extra sorry. I forgot what I learned from your predecessors about our fates in classrooms. Luckily I can’t afford rent on a teacher’s salary so the students are in better hands.

President Joe Biden. I understand my American duty now, and I’m sorry it’s going on 33 years to die in a mass shooting. I pray you’ll show some grace throughout the rest of the pandemic because it’s made it harder for ALL of us to be killed in a mass shooting. Luckily, we’re making up for lost time with lost lives in 2022!

All these years, I’ve thought it was someone else’s fate to be mass murdered. But now I know it’s been my turn all along, and I must have been in the wrong star-spangled place at the wrong red glaring wrong time because I have still never died in a mass shooting! Like a damned Canadian or something! May you all accept my most sincere apology, my thoughts, and prayers. And through your traditional American gun policy, may I have your assurance that someday I will be a forgotten name on a long list in memoriam.

Sincerely,

A Registered Voter