Jaws 2020

I watched Jaws for the first time ever and my boyfriend mused that I might find similarities between the pandemic world and the little summer town Amity.

Within minutes of the opening credits, I agreed. A girl sitting a socially conscious 6 feet from the group and then her boobs are running free, like mine have been this whole braless quarantine. Yes, this is the same!

But then I stopped giggling and relating because she immediately got brutally eaten to death.

I reassessed.

Amity is a sunshiney, smile harvesting summer town. And the mayor needs to show off his cute boat themed outfits! He is dressed the part and dedicated much like our Great-again American mayor needs to show off his America-pin-on-the-lapel and summer golden skin color of good health. If Amity closes, if America closes down, it’s practically stolen valor to still be wearing these accessories! And the rich white America people in their American flag bikinis? That’s a group of freedom fighters ready to storm the beaches, entitled to brutal death! Here I come!

Amity, the hotdog stand/Apple pie shop of America, has to stay open!

An expert on The Problem is introduced to the island. Hooper is our Fauci. It’s hard to take his prissy ass seriously because people with specific educations and highly regarded credentials are the antithesis of the American Dream to get dirty and hardly make any money and be called a hero. Get in the shark cage with Hooper, Dr. Fauci. A four-eyes nerd thinking they know what’s best? In this economy? I think the people of the small town said it best when they screamed, “GET A GUN!” Whenever I’m faced with a shark or a virus, I’m locked and loaded.

How else can I match this up?

Chief Brody is the general American public who’s trying to do what’s best and wear their masks and follow the rules but it’s hard because we are scared all the time and we don’t actually know how to fight sharks. But we’re trying! We are staying 6 feet away from the shark.

Chief Brody’s how supportive wife? That’s celebrities singing Imagine. Thank you for your contribution to this town!

Which character are we clapping for every evening as they come home from work dripping in sweat and trauma? Quint. Quint is the reason we fly our little blue airplanes over New York City. Quint is the reason there is a man who plays bagpipes from the roof of the building next to mine every night at 7 pm. I know his terms were $10,000. A lot of doctors and grocers want hazard pay but nobody can put a price on death and glory. This guy IS America!

The Orca is the American Healthcare System because WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER B.O.A.T.T.T.T! (Bunch Of Attention To That Terror Trap)

*Jaws music*