My actual profile pic

Why I Keep a Printer in the Background of my Tinder Photos

A story of what works.

Fellas, here’s my number one dating tip: keep a printer in the background of your Tinder and dating profiles.

Women wanna borrow that printer! They will smash for a couple of PDFs! Or for an entire stack of color powerpoint print outs that her office requires but won’t pay for!

I’m going through condoms and toner at the same rate almost! And by condoms I mean

Coffee

Ordered,

Nightcap

Denied

On Second Thought

Maybe Friday

Since You Have a printer

It’s all about creating opportunity.

Yup, coffee dates usually lead to a trip back to my place followed quickly by, “I have to get going- big meeting tomorrow — hey this is funny but can I use your printer?” Fellas, I’ve got something to offer and it’s a printer.

It IS very funny to be unprepared for a big meeting but a decent guy always believes in her dreams of becoming Middle Sales or whatever (Guy Tip- it doesn’t matter what her goals are, your job is to believe in them and provide printer ink)!

As she leaves right before 8:00, she’ll flirtatiously say that she needs to think of a proper way to thank you. Ohhhh boy I know what that means. And a few minutes later I get a Venmo for $2. It says “toward ink” with a wink face and I’m thinking ohhhhh boy ok I know where this is going! So I decide to flirt back — fellas, do not underestimate the power of flirting on Venmo where all her friends, family, and coworkers-who-split-a-pizzza yesterday can see! I sent back $2.50, that’s right fifty cents more and I post “don’t even worry about it, can’t wait to go on a second date and kiss and then a third date to smash! Wink face.” Women love to see when you have a plan because it balances the fact that they don’t — remember how she wasn’t prepared for her meeting??? Ladies also like a sense of humor. The fifty sense was the funny part; she is going to be like “what?”

I wait for her to flirt back and show humor by sending me $3 but she’s busy, she’s had that big meeting that lasts for 7 days. Nothing but respect for hardworking women! She’ll get back when she can.

In the case of this woman she worked so hard that I never heard from her again. Hey I get it I’m a twenty-first century man and you can go ahead and chose career over dating! I am starting to want a woman who can balance both though. Otherwise it’s just a hard working woman and I am separately alone. I know that a printer is the perfect lure for this kind of woman. Maybe helping women print is for beginners. I am an intermediate who is ready to go out with women who are not beginners at their job and have their own damn ink.

I started dating Jessica (I changed her name so she won’t sue me or in case I am dating multiple women at the time of publication and she’s like ‘Who’s Brandy?’) Anyway I started dating Jessica. She broke the ice by asking about funny tinder horror stories. I told her about the last girl, sorry the last woman, who didn’t have printer ink. She laughed and said she had plenty of ink but no printer which sucked because she really needed one.

It was like having gas with no car,

A cart with no donkey,

A splash of beer with no cup,

A bunny cage with no bunny,

A coat with no winter day,

A bus fair and a broken transit system with third world infrastructure right here in LA,

A nose with no flower to smell,

A couple of lips with no kiss.

Sometimes I am so poetic that I lose track of what I was saying. Oh right, this chick had no means of printing! But I did! I couldn’t help but get a sly cocky smile on my face because I knew exactly where she could get a printer to borrow.

She came back to my place, and similarly to the first gal, she had to get going right away because she had a big meeting in the morning. I got her out the door with a whole printer right away. If you think ink caused a flirtation before, wait til you see how the whole printer goes!

Imagine: you have just given a woman the gift of printing and documenting her own beautiful and intelligent mind! I mean I hope her printer paper is insured because its value is about to skyrocket like her career I bet!

I know she’s doing some printing with my old printer which happens to also be a fax machine so I fax her asking for a second date.

No response.

No shame greater than a powerful woman who doesn’t realize she has a printer SLASH fax machine! I fax her again and she doesn’t answer.

I realize, and this was admittedly insensitive of me — FELLAS YA GOTTA BE SENSITIVE! — I realized she doesn’t know how to send a fax! Of course! Not everybody knows how to send a fax these days! It’s tough! It’s like email and a phone call and a printer in one. That’s about as complicated as this relationship!

So I do something clever and I send her a fax on how to send a fax. That way I know she’ll have a to do sheet in front of her now and I tell her to fax me back or if she doesn’t want to waste paper to just text or call me since she has my number and has this whole time as well as my Tinder connection AND we follow each other on instagram.

I can see on social media that she’s busy and happy, which makes me happy because I care about her but I cannot see how she is using the printer or sending faxes. I think she must have either gotten a promotion that allowed her to take a vacation 0r she got fired because she is always #OnThebeach or #DreamingOFTheBeach . Never both though. Girl, learn to be present.

I realize my head is stuck in my phone looking at her picture as my boss asks me some kind of question about client speed sheets. I don’t have the answer because his needs are no longer my priority.

She needs me.

And after several daily attempts to contact her I hear nothing. It’s sad to know that she doesn’t know how to fax or text. I know that she did it once, when she texted me confirming details of our date, but I wish she would gather her confidence and do it again! Not just for me but her HER! To believe in herself enough to send a text, like I did.

But I know it’s not up to me to change a woman. If she’s not ready for a confident man, I understand and I send her a fax saying I hope she learns to fax and finds her way and then I swipe around and find another brunette.

She’s a hard working woman (queen!) and I respect that! She works in an office doing something I don’t understand, just like most women, and just like I do, except she says her coworkers are children. She talks about being in a room all day with 30 ten year olds. ha! I GET it!

So we plan go on a date.

I know that she likely swiped right for the background of the photo, eyeing the HP, like all the ladies.

But here’s thing, I don’t have a printer anymore and since I’m honest guy, I better get one. I volunteer to stay late at the office and steal the printer. I’ve got the bait. And I got paid overtime to reel in pu$$y! Sorry I talked like that, that was weird. Anyway I am going to get this chick hooked on the HP hookup and then on me!

We go out for happy hour drinks, she gets out of work pretty early, like 3:00. She likes to “start early and end early.” Ohhhh boy I know what that means. Somebody wants to come back to my place and see this printer.

So we’re talking and we’re ordering a second drink and appetizers, which is more than I’ve been able to stomach around the previous few women I’ve gone out with. She’s grateful for the evening to talk to an actual adult instead of people who think boogers are cool — hah I get that! She’s funny. In my office, people are also stupid. We discuss this at length. She offers buying me a third round and I say honey it doesn’t take that much to get the ink!

She’s reasonably confused because I realized we haven’t discussed printer yet.

I see.

She’s playing the long game. Well I have plenty of magenta for that! (I don’t know, isn’t that the first one to run out and cause problems? You get what I‘m saying — I’ll play the long game too!) and so should you! Sorry I forgot this was a help column and not a diary entry. I get mixed up.

Based on what she’s telling me, I’m imagining all the stuff she wants to print; a picture of her family visiting her grandma’s house after baby Michelle’s baptism, coffee with a little too much sugar that she can’t help adding, a Rascal Flats poster from when she was a kid, the poster she wants to put in the room of her future children but of course she doesn’t know what they look like yet, a masters degree in Elementary Education, a couple of stitches in her elbow, a nice night, a great listener who’s also pretty cute, and the check please.

I can tell I’ve hit the jackpot.

So I tell her I’ve got what I think she wants back at my place. (I encourage all you fellas to use lines like this!) She smiles and offers to call a car and we head back. On the way she says she’s had a great time and.. and she hesitates. I say let me guess, you have an important presentation in the morning (women are always going on dates the night before they have an important thing! Or do women just always have important things??) And she’s like, “Basically yeah! Ha you must be physic!”

She laughs again and it’s mesmerizing to know there is a woman out there who thinks she’s that funny. Cute! She goes on to say that she actually has a talent show at 9 am. Who schedules these things — she doesn’t know! She’s laughing again. She truly thinks she’s so funny. But she says she is a part of it, a major part, playing the piano for the whole ensemble. But she’s sure they won’t notice if she misses a note or two!

She’s planting the seed early to not smash. No prob. Like I said: long game. Magenta.

We get back to my place and I have her wait for me in the foyer and I bring her a printer. She laughs that same laugh she’s been laughing at herself all night and finally I know this one is directed at me.

She acts innocent like she doesn’t get why I’d be handing over a printer on the first date. She laughs again (can’t she take anything seriously?) and asks if she can come in.

“I thought you had a talent show in the morning?” I ask with air quotes.

“I do. I just wanted you to know I’d have to get going early, to have time to get coffee and all…” she tries to be cute with her voice and giggle but her body holding a printer is revealing too much about her lack upper body strength and I don’t know who the heck drinks coffee at night! She’s wild. But I guess if I had three glasses of wine (another thing I bet she’d like to print!) I’d like a cup of coffee too.

“I bet if I had three glasses of wine, I’d like a cup of coffee too.” I say laughing, like she taught me to do to my own jokes.

She seems confused and I’m honestly confused too. She’s just standing here looking at me and holding a printer which is for sure heavy, I noticed as soon as I stole it and I can confirm it as I watch a much weaker person hold it.

“So…” I say

“So…” she repeats.

“I guess you’ll make good use of that…the next time I see you, you’ll have to show me what you’ve printed.” I’m trying to get the flirty mood back in the doorway because I am so horny to smash soon. I think she’s finally taking the hint, she’s got a look on her face like she just figured something out.

“Alright…you know I don’t understand the printer thing. I can print at work. I’m not sure how I gave you the impression that I wanted a printer.” She titters out an uncomfortable sigh.

Now I’m annoyed. I know what she wanted when she swiped right just like she knew what I wanted. But I’ve played enough games at this point it’s time for me to stand up for myself. I say, “It’s no problem if you don’t think you need to borrow a printer but this is the only chance I’m giving you, to be honest.”

She says that’s fine. Says she doesn’t need another chance with the printer but says she’d like to see me again maybe this weekend???

Fellas, listen to me and listen to me good: don’t fall for it.

I smiled. I said goodnight. She said see you soon, with a wink. And as I closed the door, I did something for the first time all night. I laughed at the hilarious joke she made.

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